I Want to Be Happy Now
Having just learned of her father's cancer, Silvia meets with friends and discovers the freedom to tell Christ exactly what she wants.
On July 31, I was told that my dad has cancer. It’s very hard for me to stay in front of his illness because my parents live alone in Italy, and the pandemic has made travel much more complicated. What has been clear to me since the beginning is my need to be happy now. I am not able to think about my happiness in the future, when this situation will be over. I want to be happy now. This need has led me to really beg as at the beginning. The sentence I have kept repeating to myself is “If Christ is with me, I can accept even my dad’s cancer.”
At first, it is just a series of words. And then you receive the signs. The day after I heard the news about my dad’s cancer, we were on our way back home from our vacation, and we stopped by to visit some friends. We had planned the visit ahead of time, and even though I was not in the mood to meet people, we decided to stop by anyway. We spent a beautiful afternoon together. We had lunch together and chatted a little bit. Afterward, as I was on my way back home, I really felt loved and embraced. For me, it was a little sign in reply to my need. I have been called to stay in front of a difficult circumstance, but I cannot deny that He is replying to my need. That afternoon was a turning point for me. I really felt loved and embraced by these friends, and through them I really felt loved by Him.
After that afternoon, I started to have a dialogue with the Lord. I told Him, “It will happen according to Your will, but I need to tell You what I want. I do not know what Your plans are, but I will tell you what I want.” It liberated me to affirm what I need in front of the Lord.
I was able to ask the Lord what I wanted because after that afternoon with my friends, I recognized that I had a Presence in front of me. I could not ask Someone who is not present in my life. It’s the same thing I see in my older girl, when she tells me that she did something wrong. She is afraid to tell me because she knows that I might get angry. But once she tells me, she feels better. And she is able to tell me because she is sure of the relationship with me.
I have been experiencing that only the recognition of Christ happening now saves me. It’s not that there is Christ and therefore reality becomes good, but rather that reality is unexpectedly good because it speaks to me about a relationship with Him. And I can recognize Christ happening now only if I cry out with my need to be happy.
Silvia, New York, New York