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I Am "Violent" Too

Silvia sees the same violence that killed George Floyd in her own heart. "What saves me is someone who loves me."

The view from Silvia's apartment

I am not American, so in judging what is happening in the country, it is easy to fall into banalism. Only if I look at my life seriously am I able to not banalize what’s happening. If I look at my life seriously, I have to admit that I am able to be “violent” like the officer who killed George Floyd.


Just an example of something that happened to me recently. One afternoon, my two girls were making more of mess than usual at home. I was very tired, and I overreacted. I screamed like crazy, asking them to clean up all their toys and telling them to calm down because they were too noisy. As soon as I was done, I realized that I had exaggerated things and I started to feel bad for the way I had treated them. 


Then I looked at my oldest girl. I was worried about what she might be thinking. But when I looked at her, I did not feel judged, but I really felt loved! (I still have the image of her eyes looking at me). She understood that I had reached my limit, and she started to clean up. 


This is just to say that the only way for me to not banalize what’s happening in the country is for me to judge my personal experience. I am not better than the officer who killed George Floyd. I am “violent” (sometimes) as well.


What saves me is someone who loves me (in this case my daughter “saved” me). I felt bad when I realized that I had overreacted and I was worried about what my girls may have thought about me (that I was not a good mother). As soon as I looked at my oldest girl, all my worries were gone, because I really felt loved by her. To feel loved by someone when you did something wrong is an experience that moves you. 


Silvia, New York, New York

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